time will tell...

phew! itz been a mth. cant really remember wat i'v been doin. but for sure itz the exam season.
itz a killer! anyhow, been survivin, somehow. frenzz r of great importance now. they help to get on ur feet evry once in a while. i'v got a significant few. but of course, within a month i'v also realized some jz come n go in my life. some left. some stepped in.

all tht said, i'v come up wit a few new year resolution. since itz my first time tht i'v really tot of comin up wit a few n sticking wit it.

so here goes,

1. no alcohol
2. no abusive/obscene/vulgar words
3. no making out wit tis one guy tht im nt supposed to b makin out wit in the first place
4. no clubbing


there! itz nt much but itz somethng im gona try n avoid. since doin all 4 of those often getz me into loadz of trouble!

till then i culd oni hope tht the new year has lil bit of itz own twists n turnz for me...
Happie New Year!!!!!!!

fallen soldier

this lil soldier cant soldier on any longer. there are more reasons to quit than to stay on and fight this neverending fight! i cant muster any more courage. i hate tis point of life. keepz gettin worst. if this was a tunnel, itz a damn long one. mayb without even an exit coz i dun see any light! surrounded by darkness. i cant even talk to anyone coz i hav no one to talk to. my head is filled wit a thousand mind boggling questions, to all of which i hav answers to none. wat shd i do now? shd i jz slit my wrist n see hw much i bleed?? shd i jz watch the blood oozing out of my veins?? coz i dun thnk i wana believe in souls or heaven or hell.
i thnk itz a big, fat hoax!
itz getting harder to breathe.
wat am i still doin here??
wat will happen if i jz threw in the towel??
wat if i jz disappeared into thin air??
wat if i din exist any longer?
why am i still doin this?
nothin is makin any sense anymore to me. i thnk all i need is some pillz. or mayb im jz depressed n surprise! i'v got no one to talk to.
i feel so alone. never felt more alone in my life than tis. crying doesnt ease the pain anymore. jz keepz worsenin. hw much longer must i do this??? i jz want to be happie. at least nt depressed. i dun mean to b a social outcast but itz much easier nt to make an effort. therz no way out of tis. if i quit, i cant thnk of anythn else tht i culd do. im such a freakin loser. im plastered into tis. no turnin bak or going forward. jz stuck. stuck for good. it'll all jz be easier if i jz did it! jz took the bloody shortcut! jz slit myself. but m a coward. im lost. im losing my mind anyhw. cant explain.shame.

another sunday mornin...

i hav it good. so yea the last time i wrote it was about my roomie and some guy i culdnt hav. turnz out my roomie is jz inconsiderate. all she cares about is her injured boyfren. she doesnt care hw anythn affects others. other ppl besides myself are getting very frustrated at hw irresponsible shez behaving. and these other ppl are openin up to me about tis issue. n i thnk itz all gona boil up to b a major catastrophe.

and the boy i tot was evrythn is also jz looking out for his best interest. i dowan to b the hypocrite sittin here n writing bot other pplz selfishness. coz i'v been an ass too. it happenz wen we look out for ourselves. we wana make sure nobody steps on our head n nobody takes advantage of us.

yea drama rite... now im on my bed coz im like basically stuck in between the 'other ppl' n my roomie and all tis dillemma is driving me nutz. coz i din do anythn n if i did somethn someone will be affected.

newayz as far as today is concerned im jz gona chill out on my bed and watch some good ol' movies.

I want to be your DRUG...

Laid to the river
Midsummer, I waved
A "V" of black swans
On with hope to the grave
And though Red September
With skies fire-paved
I begged you appear
Like a thorn for the holy ones

Cold was my soul
Untold was the pain
I faced when you left me
A rose in the rain....
So I swore to the razor
That never, enchained
Would your dark nails of faith
Be pushed through my veins again

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine


Wicked with your charm
I'm circled like prey
Back in the forest
Were whispers persuade
More sugar trails
More white lady laid
Than pillars of salt...
(keeping Sodom at at bay)

Fold to my arms
Hold their message away
And dance out to the moon
As we did in those golden days

Christening stars
I remember the way
We were needle and spoon
Mislaid in the burning hay

Bared on your tomb
I'm a prayer for your loneliness
And would you ever soon
Come above onto me?
For once upon a time
On the binds of your loneliness
I could always find the slot for your sacred key

Six feet deep is the incision
In my heart, that barless prison
Discoulours all with tunnel vision

Sunsetter...
Nymphetamine

Sick and weak from my condition
This lust, this vampyric addiction
To Her alone in full submission

None better...
Nymphetamine

bitter like me.

itz been a tuff week. i'v lost my space. no privacy. my room, my sanctuary, my crib, nw, itz jz a space. yea well her boyfren is injured. so he has to stay here so tht she can care for him. i wish i had more money so i culd jz get a room for myself. without havin to watch wat i watch evryday. kinda gettin on my nerves. but hez injured. n bein the good human bein tht i am, i jz have to suppress my thoughtz of annoyance. crap.
added wit all the stress frm studies. itz another thng i hv to live with.
totally suckz. thnk god, im bloggin. a fren of mine said, thankz to bloggin we can nw save the trouble of knockin on the psychiatrists' door.
to b sittin in ur own room like a friggin stranger is torture, it totally suckz.

and finding out tht the boy i like is nt exactly single isnt much of a help either.
i duno if it'z the luck this place bringz me or jz tht i shdnt b here in the first place...
nthn is workin out for me in my social life. everythng is annoying.
itz only been a mth since i came bak. n im already feeling lonely... this is bad. coz i'v got the next whole 9 mthz to spend here. n im nt liking all tis. i dun get it y i get all negative wen i write. mayb tis is wat they call pouring ur heart out...

m missing home.family. missing them all. missing them loadz. i'd take a flight n go bak tomoro if i culd. if only i culd. dun feel much of a doctor. dun feel like a lot of thngz anymore. feel wasted. again. itz jz like itz a nightmare without an end. goes on and on and on. if ther was an ending, all i want to be is DEAD. the feeling is inevitable. but itz nt a lie n itz ther. the feelin exists.
im bitter all over. :'(

why do we want wat we cant have?

i jz dun get it. y am i jealous of his girlfren??? crap. beginning of an episode of torment for me. time and time again. i need a new booty call. neva hav an attached guy as ur booty call. lesson no.1.
lesson tht i cant seem to be learnin coz im makin the same mistakez over n over again.
argh im driving myself nutz. itz jz crazy. my world is crumbling.
being me is jz so difficult.

another week beginz. m gona be runnin around hospitalz. hopefullyi culd take my mind of him.

so here i am. in ukraine. again.
itz still sunny. summer isnt over. at least for some.
for me ?? itz bak to bookz n lectures n tonnes of runnin round to get thngz done.
it was hard leavin home. alwiz has been. still nt quite used to it even though itz been 3 years since i've left home. i do return home evry summer. yet leavin has never been easy. this time wasnt an exception.
i do miss home. i miss evrythn about it. evrythn.
lots of sacrifices hav been made so i can be here. pursue my dream. yea im pursuing my dream. medicine.

summer holidayz was a blast. made new friendz. chilled out. pigged out. was fun! spendin time wit ash doll was a bonus. nw i miss tht lil brat! nthn like home i say!

m here now.
my goal is only one tis semester. study.
coz they say itz the toughest year in medicine. 3rd year. one of the most crucial years for a student like me. went for pharmaco n radiology class. din understand a damn thng tht russian dude was saying. thnk im gona teach him hw to speak proper english! was miserably boring class. talk bout staying spirited!

and one more thng im getting used to; people still ask me if i hav a bf... my answer...silence.

tomoro microbiology! clostridium perfringens is calling my name out loud!!! time flies!

season 4: summer's over

they say all good thngz must come to an end. so i guess tis is it. summer break has come to an end. but it was a blast to be bak home. spend time wit family and frenz. priceless. there were the occasional humpz n bumpz. but i wouldnt change any part of it coz it was all fun nonetheless.

now itz back to a whole other drama of campus life. season four will begin soon!! guess im watchn too much reality tv. :P

plus im new at this whole bloggin thngy. so might b some time b4 i 'do up' my page...